Today we are leaving for Barcelona.  What a crazy ride this has been.  I, of course was not able to sleep much last night.  I woke up and grabbed my ipod to read a short daily devotional while still hoping to catch another hour or two of sleep.  The message I read this morning (on Valentine's by the way) began: 'Give yourself fully to the adventure of today...' how appropriate! 

Isaiah 41:10, 13

So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

For I am the LORD your God
   who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
   I will help you.

As Jeff and I are nearing the end of our time in the States, we are revisiting over and over what to bring to Spain.  On our first trip there, we packed as much as possible into 3 large bags each and then a carry-on each.  We accumulated a couple things while there (2 fans, a candle...).  We hauled it all off to a small storage facility where we hugely overestimated how much stuff we had.  We loaded up 2 tubs, 2 small suitcases, and our fans...we brushed off our hands, stood back with hands on our hips, and watched as the storage locker engulfed our precious 'things' and made them look like the contents of a small purse.

We arrived back in the States and moved through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.  We are now 13 days away from heading back and considering what to bring and what to leave behind (or get rid of).  We've already scaled down (to say the least) from living in a 3 bedroom house.  It's down to necessity...and things that make me feel like I'm 'home'. 

Then *BANG* I get hit by it all over again!  And here I am, trying my hardest, to downsize more.  I picked up a new book today, was reading through some blogs to gain inspiration and deepen my spiritual existence and found one I knew I just HAD to have.  The book is called Twelve by Twelve and is about a man who voluntarily lives in a 12x12 off grid cabin to escape the shock of America (after being away in other countries for several years).  I am only a few chapters in, but am already amazed.  I first leafed through the free pages courtesy of Amazon, but was eager to hit 'confirm order' and have it sent DIRECTLY to my Kindle Cloud Reader so I could continue. 

I am into challenges like this.  A challenge to look at the world in a different light.  A challenge to not fall prey to consumerism, and a challenge to live simply and simply live.  I am always one click from canceling my facebook account (Aunt Janice is the only reason why not today) and have half a mind to throw away my wardrobe or anything with a 'name brand' on it.  I realize I need not be so extreme and so for now, I will eat up the pages of this wonderful book and feel peace about a life rich and full of relationships, spirituality, and food.  And I will not look back as the 'things' in my life diminish and make space for my growth instead.

Reflection

'The Baal-Shem teaches that no encounter with a being or a thing in the course of our life lacks a hidden significance.  The people we live with or meet with, the animals that help us with our farm work, the soil we till, the materials we shape, the tools we use, they all contain a mysterious spiritual substance which depends on us for helping it towards its pure form, its perfection.  If we neglect this spiritual substance sent across our path, if we think only in terms of momentary purposes, without developing a genuine relationship to the beings and things in whose life we ought to take part, as they in ours, then we shall ourselves be debarred from true, fulfilled existence.  it is my conviction that this doctrine is essentially true.  The highest culture of the soul remains basically arid and barren unless, day by day, waters of life pour forth into the soul from those little encounters to which we give their due; the most formidable power is intrinsically powerlessness unless it maintains a secret covenant with these contacts, both humble and helpful, with strange, and yet near, being.'

The Way of Man (According to the Teaching of Hasidism)

Martin Buber

p. 38-39

Spending my early years attending a Lutheran Church where my dad was a pastor introduced me to liturgy.  It's the one thing that comes to my mind when I am unable to sleep.  An additional worship outlet which reminds me of my childhood and brings me warmth and familiarity when I am desperate for it.  It's like smelling a familiar scent that you can't quite place but prompts you to sit in silence enjoying it.

This morning when I could not find rest, I opened my bible to 1 John and read

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

This particular passage from 1st John is mentioned a lot in the readings I remember.
The following is from the book of common prayer:

Almighty everliving God,
you are always more ready to hear than we to pray,
and to give more than we desire or deserve;
pour upon us the abundance of your mercy,
forgiving us those things
of which our conscience is afraid,
and giving us those things
for which our prayer dares not ask;

through Jesus Christ
who is alive with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God now and for ever.
Amen.

Hey, that was easy!

I've been wrestling with some thoughts lately and although I haven't come to any conclusion, here's what I'm thinking:

I feel frustrated with church. On Saturday evenings, I get so anxious. I agree to attend a church service but ONLY one (the rest of my family stays for 2-3 of the morning services every Sunday). I like to be non-committal about which one and how long I will stay...etc. And it BUGS me that I'm like this. I grew up in the church, have a family of pastors, studied theology in college, and am moving to Barcelona to 'plant a church'.

I sat outside this last Sunday after church and contemplated.

I realized that my frustration is not with the church, but with the lack of initiative and/or responsibility within the members. I believe that church is not supposed to be easy. Somehow, we've molded church to fit within the American Dream (not the other way around). We carve out just 1.25 hours of our week to go attend a church service where we observe from a pew. The percentage of those involved in ministry is minuscule.

I am currently reading a book called Radical by David Platt. He talks about how Jesus called us to live Radical lives for Him. In scripture, whenever someone asked Jesus what they need to do to follow Him, it was NEVER easy. Jesus spent more time almost talking people out of following Him if you think about it.

So why are we so lethargic? Why do we crave comfortable lives?

There's so much more to this and I don't know how to reconcile my feelings. I am thankful for these stirrings and nigglings in my life and faith because I don't want to be comfortable.

peaceful frenzy

In exactly 16 days we leave for the first leg of our journey to Barcelona. It's amazing how 16 days can feel dreadfully long and excitingly short all at the same time. When I think of everything we need to get done beforehand, I panic. When I think of 16 more days of living out of suitcases, I panic. So much to do and so much of it out of our hands.

And yet...a strange peace about all of it.

Saying goodbye to friends and family, preparing all of our visa paperwork, packing and unpacking a dozen times, raising support, learning a language, communicating with our team.

And resting.

missing my peeps a lot today: