Spending my early years attending a Lutheran Church where my dad was a pastor introduced me to liturgy.  It's the one thing that comes to my mind when I am unable to sleep.  An additional worship outlet which reminds me of my childhood and brings me warmth and familiarity when I am desperate for it.  It's like smelling a familiar scent that you can't quite place but prompts you to sit in silence enjoying it.

This morning when I could not find rest, I opened my bible to 1 John and read

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

This particular passage from 1st John is mentioned a lot in the readings I remember.
The following is from the book of common prayer:

Almighty everliving God,
you are always more ready to hear than we to pray,
and to give more than we desire or deserve;
pour upon us the abundance of your mercy,
forgiving us those things
of which our conscience is afraid,
and giving us those things
for which our prayer dares not ask;

through Jesus Christ
who is alive with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God now and for ever.
Amen.

Hey, that was easy!

I've been wrestling with some thoughts lately and although I haven't come to any conclusion, here's what I'm thinking:

I feel frustrated with church. On Saturday evenings, I get so anxious. I agree to attend a church service but ONLY one (the rest of my family stays for 2-3 of the morning services every Sunday). I like to be non-committal about which one and how long I will stay...etc. And it BUGS me that I'm like this. I grew up in the church, have a family of pastors, studied theology in college, and am moving to Barcelona to 'plant a church'.

I sat outside this last Sunday after church and contemplated.

I realized that my frustration is not with the church, but with the lack of initiative and/or responsibility within the members. I believe that church is not supposed to be easy. Somehow, we've molded church to fit within the American Dream (not the other way around). We carve out just 1.25 hours of our week to go attend a church service where we observe from a pew. The percentage of those involved in ministry is minuscule.

I am currently reading a book called Radical by David Platt. He talks about how Jesus called us to live Radical lives for Him. In scripture, whenever someone asked Jesus what they need to do to follow Him, it was NEVER easy. Jesus spent more time almost talking people out of following Him if you think about it.

So why are we so lethargic? Why do we crave comfortable lives?

There's so much more to this and I don't know how to reconcile my feelings. I am thankful for these stirrings and nigglings in my life and faith because I don't want to be comfortable.

peaceful frenzy

In exactly 16 days we leave for the first leg of our journey to Barcelona. It's amazing how 16 days can feel dreadfully long and excitingly short all at the same time. When I think of everything we need to get done beforehand, I panic. When I think of 16 more days of living out of suitcases, I panic. So much to do and so much of it out of our hands.

And yet...a strange peace about all of it.

Saying goodbye to friends and family, preparing all of our visa paperwork, packing and unpacking a dozen times, raising support, learning a language, communicating with our team.

And resting.

missing my peeps a lot today:

'...we must stop pursuing the Great Commission at the expense of the Great Commandment.'

Found this article extremely helpful in my life today:


http://www.christianpost.com/news/shawn-lovejoy-speaks-on-the-greatest-commandment-ever-forgotten-49161/

Thank you

God, when you first revealed the beauty of Europe…a place I never cared to visit, I had no inkling that you would send me there. I didn’t know the trials I would face, the drive and push of support raising, the humility in asking for money, the loss of all of my possessions. I didn’t realize I would be abandoning family and what I know as ‘home’. But you’ve shown me that I can build my home in You. You’ve shown me that I don’t need ‘things’, and you helped me understand the importance of asking for partners into Your ministry.

Thank you for bringing us this far. Thank you for the confidence to continue, and thank you for holding my hand and riding the waves with me.

I worship You

I praise You

Thank you for calling me to this, to this life.

amen

misc heavy-hearted thoughts

lately I've been heavy hearted over the western 'church'. i fear it has lost focus of the basic and most simplistic values. a dear friend just emailed me his sorrow over the same thing. he talked about how the western way of doing church has become so shallow. sadly, i agree.

he writes: We've traded "leaving everything, picking up your cross and following the King" for what we see as "security." We are no longer secure in our son-ship, or the future hope we have, but rather, we find our security in our marriages, our family, our house, our bodies, our politics, our religion, me, me, me, me, me.

i've been reading the ragamuffin gospel, by brennan manning:
‘Quite simply, our deep gratitude to Jesus Christ is manifested neither in being chaste, honest, sober, and respectable, nor in churchgoing, Bible-toting, and Psalm-singing, but in our deep and delicate respect for one another.’

‘In truth I tell you, in so far as you did this to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me’
-Matthew 25:40

Ten fe

Ten fe: Have faith

I have faith that God will provide, that He has been and continues to move us in this direction. Today, I am scared...what if I don't have enough faith?

Mark 4:40
But He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?"

Sometimes I wonder :
Are we supposed to have more faith?
Is it okay to be nervous?
What if everything doesn't come together?
Should I take the leap?
But what if...???

Then God speaks...

'Quiet child, you don't have to have all of the answers'. 'That is why you have Me'.

And I lean in to Him just a little more.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Matthew 17:20 “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”

living or dying

brennan manning says 'we are either living a little more or dying a little bit'.

i wonder which i am.

i've often wondered about my behavior right now, while i am waiting on God's timing. it is easy to say that when i am involved in full time ministry, i will have more time to pray, to study, to bask in His presence. and i've gone back on that and asked myself, 'why wait?'. so i've taken miniscule steps in the present to draw closer to God.

i want more.

i am waiting on the Lord. for His timing. for Him to say 'go'.

and in the meantime, i will check my bad attitude at the door, i will wake singing His praises and end my night listening for His voice. because i want to live a little more, not die a little bit.

but i need strength from Him to do so...and so i continue to pray that He will provide.

Wait on the Lord: Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Χάρις

I am not perfect.

I keep reminding myself.

I don’t mean to mess up, to hurt people, to gossip…but you wouldn’t know that.

I repent.

And earnestly, I try, I try.

But I still fail.

God have mercy on me.

By your grace, I am saved.

Remind me I am loved, remind me, remind me.

Χάρις

A Parable of Prayer

A father and his son, travelling together in a wagon, came to the edge of a forest.
Some bushes, thick with berries, caught the child’s eye.
“Father,” he asked, “may we stop a while so that I can pick some berries?”The father was anxious to complete his journey, but he did not have it in his heart to refuse the boy’s request.
The wagon was called to a halt, and the son alighted to pick the berries.

After a while, the father wanted to continue on his way. But his son had become so engrossed in berry-picking that he could not bring himself to leave the forest.
“Son!” cried the father, “we cannot stay here all day! We must continue on our journey!”
Even the father’s please were not enough to lure the boy away. What could the father do? Surely he loved his son no less for acting so childishly. He would not think of leaving him behind – but he really did have to get going on his journey.

Finally he called out:
“You may pick your berries for a while longer, but be sure you are still able to find me, for I shall start moving slowly along the road. As you work, call out ‘Father! Father!’ every few minutes, and I shall answer you. As long as you can hear my voice, know that I am still nearby. But as soon as you can no longer hear my answer, know that you are lost, and run with all your strength to find me!”

-Your Word is Fire: The Hasidic Masters on Contemplative Prayer, edited and translated by Arthur Green and Barry W. Holtz, pp. 109-110

Craving Growth

I am currently reading Reimagining Church by Frank Viola. He challenges the ‘institutional church’ (which he left in the late eighties). To quote Publishers Weekly:
Viola, believes the church as we know it today is nothing like what God intended it to be. According to Viola, the first-century church, which should be our pattern, met in homes without any official pastor. All members of the church were involved in worship, spontaneously breaking out with teaching or song as they were moved. Decisions were not made until everyone reached consensus. There were no official leaders or elders, but there were men who served and taught and helped others, thus leading by example. Viola believes that to bring the church back on track, both clergy and denominations must be completely abolished. Churches should not have buildings nor should they worry about doctrinal statements.

I am eating up this book. I love the challenges he poses, I love the idea of such imperfect people participating in community and being able to use their gifts to share with others. I love the idea of being a participant, not just an observer. Because I believe that when people participate, when they play a role in church, they appreciate it so much more. They can ‘own it’.

I believe that it is a rarity for a non-Christian to enter into a church building on a Sunday morning for the first time. I believe that ‘making believers’ happens best through relationship and meeting people where they are at, not expecting them to step outside their comfort level into the unknown.

I believe that questioning and challenging is healthy. I personally believe that questioning and challenging is how I have grown closer to God and opened my heart and mind to His leading. I think that right now, in this particular time in my life, I am searching to grow. I really want to take advantage of the resources around me and push myself to devleop as much as possible. This transition has not been easy by any means and I think that it's in the hard times that we, as Christians can grow and develop further.

Risky Business

I am different. I am moving through a new chapter of my life and it has brought change upon me. And because of my response to change, my transformation, I have lost much. I grieve my losses but am also excited about the new things that change has brought.

Here are the things I’ve lost (or have been dealing with) and had to grieve a great deal. And beside them, the things I’ve gained and praise God for.

Friendships---------------Drawing nearer to God
Loneliness----------------Solitude
Home/’stuff’--------------Freedom

I am taking a big risk, but trust that God is in control.

Love One Another

I’ve been thinking a great deal about a trend that I have heard a lot lately: seems that people are simplifying their lives so much these days that they are kicking ‘difficult’ friends to the curb. To quote a blog I recently read: ‘this past year has been a bumpy year as it pertains to relationships. I have learned to let go of people who bring me down and have been able to finally embrace and invest in true authentic relationships…with people who really know me…and love me…’. That’s great, but then what about those people who you deem inauthentic? What happens to them, who steps in to love them?

What if the bible said for us to love people who were easy to love; only those who we receive equal amounts of love and affirmation from in return? I think a lot of people would be left out. I think we’d never learn and grow from our relationships, and I think we wouldn’t make an effort to show people that they matter, that they are important.

At first, when I’ve heard people speak of this idea of making their lives easier by eliminating difficult people from their life, I thought ‘yea, I get that, makes sense…’ But I just can’t shake the way it niggles at me. And I can’t help but think how ‘difficult’ we, as humans have been for God. And it didn’t take long…just the Garden of Eden. Who do we think we are? We have a loving father, God who expects nothing of us in return. And we think we can pick and choose which of his creation to love. Doesn’t He call us to simply ‘love one another’?

Our lives have sped up and become full and busy, but I’m sure there’s something else we can pick to eliminate to make more time for the people in this world…

Learning to Trust

God, we know you’ve tugged on our hearts for years. That your door has always been open but we’ve hesitated in stepping through. We’ve reserved parts of our heart for ourselves not giving you full reign. And now, we are on a crazy journey and we are trying to let you lead. Sometimes it can feel discouraging and scary to abandon everything. I know this is only our human response…we can only comprehend what we know and what we can see. You are teaching us trust. We are learning to trust you little by little, and each time that we do, I feel peace.

Ants in my pants

I've been feeling antsy lately, the excitement building, creative juices flowing kind of antsy.

I love to create, but I am certainly not an artist…or am I?

Ambition got the best of me yesterday as I sat in my office at work considering the possibilities. The result you ask?

Bread. Two loafs.

Lemon sorbet

Stuffed chicken

And for tonight…

strawberry jam and doggie biscuits. My hound will be oh so happy and she is oh so deserving!

Proverbs 3:5-6

I get discouraged a lot lately because I have no time to feed or replenish my soul. I see my husband taking the time to relax and soul search daily...be it long soaks in the tub, photography, naps, hours of reading, a walk outside, time to journal, just sitting. Last night resentment built up in me. I am ashamed to say that I lost my temper and it was not pretty. I explained (in my yelling voice) how it’s hard to wake up each morning and get ready for work...to spend a full day in my office working hard at something I am not passionate about. To know that I am still stuck in the ‘past’ while he gets to pursue our ‘future’.

You see, I am ready to move, to make a new home in a new country. I know there will be stresses and culture shock and language barriers. I am ready to step into it. I want to embrace the culture, the language, the people. I’m ready.

But God calls me out. He reminds me that I’m not ready, and that if I just trusted Him...I would see that.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Joy! Peace!

dogs kissing goats...what could be better?

Rest

I really need rest.

Good, relaxing, comfy clothed, warmed by the fireplace, bored to tears, snuggled up

REST

Clawing my way out of a disorderly, stressful, frazzled couple of weeks which ended with a grand finale kind of weekend…

Losing our house (it wasn’t supposed to happen yet)…

no place to go, so many things to get rid of (8.5 years worth of life together…sold in one garage sale)…

A broken husband (bad timing on the back going out)…

Muscling up to get the things we are keeping into one place…

Guilt and sadness over giving up my 3 kitties (they have my heart)…

4 nights of insufficient sleep (can’t quiet the mind)…

House-hopping and living out of suitcases (has anyone seen my cell charger?)...

Has all brought me to my knees…but I am not curled up in a little ball about to give up on life.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

On the horizon:

2 weeks in a cabin-like retreat

A steady job where I can come to calm my mind

Moving into the cutest apartment I’ve ever laid eyes on

Ministry visits with old and new friends who share our excitement

And finally, the next grand finale of packing up our things and moving to Spain!

Praise be to God. (For He is preparing me for the future and as hard as it may seem at times, I am thankful.)

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.

I'm Fine, really I am...

I’ve been catching myself using that phrase just a bit too often lately.

‘How are you feeling about moving out of your house?’ ‘Oh well, it’s stressful and bittersweet, but I’m fine’.

‘How are you feeling about your brother moving away?’ ‘I’m a bit of a wreck inside about it, don’t have many people to share my feelings with…but I know it’s good for him, so I’m fine’.

‘How are you feeling about giving up your cats that you’ve had for the last 8.5 years?’ ‘Well, we really don’t have a choice so I’m trying to pick fights with them to make it easier…really though, I’m fine’.

‘How did you sleep last night?’ ‘Sleep? What’s that…kidding. I didn’t get much sleep but I will be fine’.

I’m fine…?

I’m fine.

I’m fine!

I’M FINE!

Pardon the outburst, really, I’m fine.

I mean, I HAVE to hold it together…right?

Brick Walls

When I first started thinking about missions, I emailed a lady in our church about it; she's in the missions department and has been a part of my life as long as I can remember

She emailed me back and said the most memorable thing to me

‘Please don't think that if this is from God, everything will go smoothly from the beginning. In the years that I've been involved in Missions (okay life), that is rarely the case. Randy Pausch wrote in his book "The Last Lecture", that we will have brick walls in our paths from time to time. He states that "brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." I couldn't agree more. I think back a couple of years ago and know that God was working in you then regarding serving Him in a different way’

I could never have imagined that the things that would hinder us in our pursuit of this call would be so big.

Christian Talk Radio?

This morning I was listening to AM talk radio and stumbled upon a Christian channel. I decided to give it a listen and was amazed and appalled at the content. An older man was talking on the subject of having worn knees from prayer. He mentioned that if we were really honest, we’d all say that prayer is work and unnatural and not fun. He also said that he used to see people with holes, rips, and tears in their jeans and assume they didn’t have enough money for nice jeans, he recently realized that this is a fashion/stylish thing. He then said ‘what if Christians all had holes in their jeans at the knee area from praying so much’. Probably the only thing I actually positively took away from the listen was when he said that prayer was the way Jesus stayed connected to God while on earth and how it’s our way to connect with God now. That prayer is not an emotional response, it is communication.

I was discouraged to hear the next speaker come on to blatantly bash the Democratic Party; he said things that really made my blood boil. It’s like I time warped back about 15-20 years when my world was so small. I related more with the hypocritical Christians than the rest of the world. I am so thankful to have had some eye opening experiences in my life. I get so sad when I hear Christians bad mouthing any particular group of people. I really don’t think that we are here on this earth to tell people what they should and should not do. I earnestly believe that God wants us to show love and grace and mercy and for us to mirror his Son’s earthly life.

This is why a missional and incarnational approach can be so effective. When we are not judging people and their sin, when our focus isn’t numbers or finances or programming, we can step away from all of the weight that the ‘American Church’ has put on Christianity and simply build relationships. And then…a more natural and organic phenomenon can manifest.

Plans and Timetables

hmmm...I actually feel that my time here at work is coming to an end. Of course in my mind, it’s not soon enough. :) I have been trusting God more and more through this process of transition. When it began last October, I had my own schedule and time-frame. I had frustrations and stress throughout the process because things weren’t happening in the order I wanted. How silly of me.

And now, I’m not sure what is different, I don’t know if there was ever an actual event of surrender, but that’s what I’ve done. I’ve surrendered to God my timetable and He has in return, provided a ‘next step’ each time. The solutions or provisions don’t always come in a ‘timely’ manner, but little by little I am learning to trust Him and His plan for our lives. Just when I begin to panic or worry, I am reminded by some little nudging from above that He has my back.

I am in good hands.

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

The Theater

right now i feel like i'm at a theater
and my life is the play
and the audience is people in my life
and i'm standing backstage watching it happen
but it's exciting
like watching what God is doing and being willing to just 'go with His flow'
i'm not scared or stressed or anything
it's different from anything i've ever experienced
i just trust Him


Do you ever feel like a fake? Like you care about the poor and world peace but you don't do anything…like what can I do? I'm only one person…but you want to help out, you want to help change the world, even just a little bit. But again, the niggling…'what good can I do'?

My heart breaks, for the homeless (my it's cold tonight), for the poor, for the sick, for those without Jesus. For those who don't have God...His heart is breaking too.

God, while I sit here and wait for you to say 'go', please show me something I can do locally. Something you can smile upon. I know you are directing our paths, the future might only be 3-4 months away, but I want to start serving you NOW. Help me to do that at work, even more than I already do. Help me to not take things for granted.

So maybe for now I pray?